Tuesday, August 06, 2013

The Doctor is [expletive deleted]

So they've announced the 12th Doctor and I am trying to figure out how to explain to my son how much I love the news. Not that he loved Matt Smith or anything - for him The Doctor is David Tennant, though we both kind of adored Christopher Ecclestone and how much fun he had saying the words "Take me to your leader!"

The good news is that IT'S PETER CAPALDI!!!!

(The bad news is that it's still Moffat in charge. Couldn't they have retired him? I could barely watch beyond the first episode of part 2 of the last season).

So of course in certain sections of the internet there is glee at the thought of Capaldi playing The Doctor as Malcolm Tucker and it is a delicious, if NC17 rated, thought. I mean, just imagine how you get an inventively foul-mouthed man and a sonic screwdriver - where's the downside in that?

But hey - as with most things, you don't have to imagine it, because someone else has:

Didn't that used to be Glasson Minor? Hey, pissy biscuits, did you just blow up Glasson Minor? I loved that bloody planet.

Yes, Doctor. Look, sorry, there's a perfectly decent explanation for this. We all just sort of got a little bit carried away. You know how it is.

Well, as long as there's a decent explanation, that's good enough for me. Good seeing you all again.
The Doctor begins to walk back to the TARDIS, then stops and turns around.

Oh, wait a minute...

Clara's shoulders slump. This routine again.

Sorry, I've just realised. That wasn't actually a decent explanation at all, was it? That was barely an explanation at all. It was just a noise, really, wasn't it? It sounded like leaky cattle diarrhoea. Look at you all, standing there with your thumbs up your arses like the world's shittest collection of novelty dildos. I'm the Doctor now. Wibbly-wobbly timey-wimey shitey-bitey fucking fish fingers and custard and all that bollocks. And I'm expected to deal with this. You useless bunch of catastrophic fucking dismal CUN...

THE INCIDENTAL MUSIC suddenly swells.

Oh, nice try. Make the music louder. You're trying to drown me out, aren't you? I've seen this show before, I know how this works. Well, you listen to me, you epic fuck-up. I will unleash a hurricane of piss at you if I even hear so much as a stray kazoo fart from this point onwards.

The music stops, embarrassed with itself. Now The Doctor turns to face the camera.

But that's not really going to happen, is it?

(To be fair, Capaldi is a much better actor who, sadly, is going to be forever associated with either Tucker or Doctor Who and I feel a bit sad about that.)


km said...

Capaldi played George Harrison in a made-for-TV docu called "John and Yoko: A love story".

So yeah, he's all right :)

//I have simply NO idea where to start watching Dr. Who. Any pointers?

Space Bar said...

km: OMG, I have to look for this film!

I haven't watched the old Doctor Whos (the 60s ones); only from Eccleston on. I liked Russel T Davies' Who better than Moffat's (Moffat is a whole can of worms). Moffat's undeliably slick but both the kid and I have found his stuff increasingly unwatchable.

Start with either Eccleston of Tennant, I feel.