Monday, December 03, 2007

kids, careers

Via Crooked Timber, on Scatterpool:

Because I have never regretted putting my children first in those years. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve certainly regretted some of the ways I handled the situation, and I can feel as jealous and resentful as the next person when I compare my professional status with that of the men who “passed” me while I was on the mommy track. But not the core decision to put the children first. That decision had negative consequences for my career, but it had positive consequences, too. As they say, few people in the cancer wards say, “Boy, I wish I’d spent more time working.” Spending time with my children was, in fact, its own intrinsic reward, and my relationship with them now that they are adults continues to be rewarding. I do not mean it was always fun or inspiring. Children can be very selfish and annoying, and it is traumatic when they have problems you cannot fix. More than anything else, parenthood taught me that I am deeply imperfect, that I am capable of doing things that I disapprove of and that hurt other people. But I grew and deepened as a human being from these very struggles and disappointments. I became less self-centered, less self-righteous, and more open to and forgiving of the struggles and disappointments of other imperfect people. I feel good about my ability to sustain a rich relationship with my children despite all our imperfections. I also learned a lot from hanging out with stay-at-home moms about choosing priorities, having a sense of perspective about life, helping each other out in a pinch, and norms of reciprocity.

8 comments:

dipali said...

So true. Many of the best things in life cannot be quantified. The enrichment of one's life by one's children is one of them.

Space Bar said...

Dipali: On a good day, I like to think I believe that. On other days, it's a more complex feeling with tinges of guilt and regret. Did that never happen to you?

dipali said...

Guilt and regret: but of course.
Envy as well. But as of now, mostly contentment.

Anonymous said...

I am a breast cancer survivor, and still do the 'cancer ward' routine as a matter of course. I do not have children of my own yet, but I am fortunate to have children and young peaople very present in my life and my work
I am writing because I am tired of the constant devaluation of 'work' in comaparison to 'life' - a false opposition in my opinion. To read, write, think, create, practise art, music science, to advocate for change - these are difficult tasks. But the pleasures of substantive work (and the paychecks ;)- do not lose their significance in the cancer ward, and certainly do not compete with the pleasures of human relationships and what one invests in them.

Anonymous said...

Erm - I noticed I should have proof read my previous comment - apologies for the typos!

Space Bar said...

Anon: My previous comment wasn't to suggest that one ought to give more value to either one over the other. And much of what one does for pleasure could constitute 'work'.

But much of the world does not have the luxury of such fine distinctions; if you read the article I linked to, issues of childcare, equal parenting, managing the tasks one does not get paid for but one undertakes nevertheless as an adult - all these are drains on ones limited resources and one has to make uncomfortable choices.

But your point that difficult tasks bring their own rewards, is well taken. That, however, is a worldview that takes time to cultivate!

Tabula Rasa said...

erm, children can actually *decrease* happiness. (light overview here, original study here.

(not to say we should stop having the little buggers.)

Space Bar said...

TR: :D See Veena's blog for more about kids/research and happiness.